What is an affair?
An affair or cheating is having a relationship with someone other than your current partner. It involves needs that should take place within your own relationship or marriage, but ends up doing it with another person, or cheating. This can be both sexual and emotional.
Because of the lack of needs in the current relationship, fulfillment is sought with another outside the relationship. This can include attention, sex, but also being able to talk well together.
When an affair is discovered there is a lot of sadness and betrayal involved. It is then also kept secret. Sometimes the person with whom an affair is entered into does not know that the other person is in a relationship or married. Thus, both the partner is deceived and the one with whom adultery is committed.
Secret relationship
Although having an affair is becoming increasingly popular in the Netherlands, it is still a secret relationship. Within the Netherlands there is still a monogamous relationship, having one partner. This relationship must therefore often remain secret. The other person must not know, because you do not want to lose the other person. At such a moment, the marriage is actually over. An affair is not called a secret love for nothing.
What types of affairs are there?
An affair is increasingly common these days. There are different types of affairs, or ways of being unfaithful. The types of affairs can be classified by intimacy level.
The most common type of affair is the classic cheating, the sexual affair. Without emotional contact purely for sex. Here the activity is important and the person is not important at all. The affair is short-lived and after lust is satisfied this affair ends. In the beginning it is a simple flirtation, but it is also the basis to grow into emotional intimacy.
Another type of affair is the emotional affair. This does not involve sex. Cheating without physical contact. This affair starts innocently with friendship and develops over time into a close relationship.
Eventually, needs are shared that belong only within one’s own relationship/marriage. Inside you know this is cheating, but you don’t qualify it yourself as such because you are not having sex. An emotional affair is much stronger than just physical intimacy and needs both men and women.
The easiest affair to engage in is the digital affair. With the growth of online and social media, contact through online dating sites is increasing. Through a digital platform, you have contact with each other. You can seduce each other by sending messages and thus build a digital relationship.
The conversations you engage in digitally should be within your own relationship/marriage with your own partner. Whether or not you meet the person physically the chat conversation already indicates enough for cheating. It is a new form of infidelity, the digital affair or online cheating.
The second relationship or leading a double life is the affair form where you have two relationships at the same time. You long for something outside your marriage. You feel yourself in love, so to speak, with the person with whom you are having an affair. There is a connection both emotionally and physically. Both the relationship with the cheating partner and your own relationship are equally invested in. Somehow they feel trapped in their relationship/marriage leading a double life.
No matter what type of affair you have, this will always harm your current relationship or marriage.
The reasons people cheat
An affair always seems to revolve around sex, but according to relationship therapists, this is rarely the case.
Even though we say it doesn’t happen to us, there are several causes of affairs. The main one is that something is wrong in the current relationship, but what exactly is it?
A major cause for starting an affair is that both partners are not good at discussing or arguing with each other. Often escape behavior is displayed instead of resolving it with each other.
The problem in the relationship continues to simmer and both partners begin to feel lonely because they do not dare to confront each other. Often this is accompanied by cheating and it is as if he or she is eager to be discovered in order to break open the relationship.
The opposite is also possible. Couples are actually very good at arguing perhaps too good and actually see this as a way to stay in touch with each other. This is not a healthy way of interacting and often partners do not dare to show vulnerability or open up vulnerably. There is more acting and real intimacy is missing. Often another can feel as if he or she is not cared for.
In this way, loneliness lurks, resulting in the likelihood of an affair.
Another reason for cheating is, for example, if a partner is a sex addict. It is then more of a personal problem than as a couple. In this situation, infidelity will be incredibly frequent and remains a repeated pattern.
Of course, there are other reasons for cheating as well.
The consequences of cheating
Once you are caught, there is a lot of pain and sorrow for your partner. It is as if the world is falling apart. Relationships can break down but can sometimes be repaired.
Adultery creates a breach of trust. Trust in the unfaithful partner is lost. It also affects your other relationships such as those with your children if there are any. The cheated partner may remain distrustful in different relationships for an extended period of time.
Depression is also often the result of adultery. The pleasure is gone and one feels bad. The one who has been cheated on may also develop a negative self-image. Questions then come up such as was I not good enough, am I not beautiful. There is more doubt. There is also a greater chance of cheating oneself.
If things are to work out, the relationship needs to be rebuilt. A relationship therapist can help in this situation if you want to give the relationship another chance.
How to prevent an affair?
It is better to prevent an affair than to cure it. Often after having an affair your current relationship can break down and not work out. If it does work out, it can provide deepening of your current relationship. Of course, it is better to make sure this does not happen.
Below are some tips for preventing an affair:
Being attentively present
Make sure you are really present during a conversation with your partner. Really listen and take your time. In your head you are often absent or busy with other things. Be honest with yourself.
Show that you are there for your partner.
Understanding alone is often not enough for a good relationship. Empathize with your partner in what he or she is experiencing and show empathy. Let yourself feel it.
Find out if you are missing something in your life or relationship
Check with yourself if you have a need that you cannot fulfill in your relationship or life. Identify what you are missing and communicate this with your partner. Indicate to each other what your needs are. Talk about this openly and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Don’t forget to love yourself
In a relationship, you are completely attuned to the other person. Above all, don’t forget to love yourself. Are you also doing what was only for you?
How to recognize cheating?
Recognizing cheating? There are signs by which you can know something is going on with your partner. Fun, of course, is not.
One signal of cheating is a change in your sex life. If you used to get laid a lot and now hardly any more, something could be going on. Even if the sex is different than usual. Adultery actually increases libido. Discuss this with your partner and see how he or she responds. Of course, it could also be due to something other than cheating, perhaps personal reasons.
It seems very difficult to ask about cheating because you are afraid of the (dismissive) answer. Yet a direct question is not wrong. If there is no adultery, he or she would ask what makes you so suspicious. Initially, people can always react defensively and if they are not cheating they always try to reassure their partner.
The phone is also an important signal for cheating. If your partner is constantly on the phone and does not leave his or her phone unattended, they may have something to hide. If you have your partner’s phone and they go crazy raise the alarm immediately.
Another signal is body language and time management. Is he or she suddenly super busy? Then ask about this and watch the body language in what way they are reacting. This way you will know immediately if someone is lying or not. If you respond with a counter question, it is simply a lie or excuse to stall for time.
Discreet and anonymous cheating
Are you wondering how to have a discreet affair and avoid getting caught? Nowadays, engaging in an affair is made easy with special dating sites for cheating. Online is the ideal way to secretly start an affair.
You can now cheat anywhere discreetly and anonymously from your computer or mobile. Discreetly get in touch with men and women who want to cheat for an affair date. Wondering which dating sites focus on affair dating? Check out the cheating dating sites section for an overview.
Whether or not you want to cheat is ultimately up to you. Of course, it’s wise to ask yourself beforehand if it’s all worth it to you. After all, cheating also brings a lot of grief. If you do want to start an affair, check out women for an adventure in our discreet cheating section.